Does metal make me angry and chaotic? Or do I listen to metal because I am angry and chaotic?
We’ll get to the answer in a minute.
In the meantime, let’s get a little backstory. As some of you know, I am in the process of upgrading my AV receiver. The first unit I got, while sounding amazing, developed a bad remote sensor after 5 days. The exchange is still in progress, as detailed in an earlier post. The replacement unit is scheduled to arrive on Thursday.
In the meantime, I am left without something I have had constantly for over six and a half years – a sound system in my bedroom. I’ve been left with my car stereo and my iPod. Neither are as accessible of substitutes, which has led to me listening to music a lot less over the last several days. This, I have just realized, resulted in an interesting self-experiment being inadvertently performed: Does mostly going without my raging, crazy music while continuing to do everything else as normal make me calmer, kinder, and more sane? Is my frequent frustration and bitterness as result of this sort of music? Could it really be?
No. I spent most of this evening ALONE with my iPod, listening to most of the catalog of the metalcore band As I Lay Dying. Music which is in general fast, almost incomprehensible, and insane. For the first time in nearly a week, I feel calm and collected. Like I can sleep in peace, and survive the next day. This weekend has seen from me some very strange behavior from myself that has honestly frightened me. Sunday night after work I stopped at AM/PM for a substantial junk food binge. On the way home, I was literally screaming in my car at the other drivers, even though I knew they couldn’t hear me.
I have been getting worse and worse with junk food. I know it’s unhealthy, I have foolishly come to rely on it. I buy sugary espresso drinks when I get coffee, I buy too much stuff from my job (ice cream shop) I buy fried food and pastries at Clark, like they will somehow help me get through my day. Strangely, the one thing proven to help is my tasty, black, french-pressed Stumptown coffee. The healthy thing. Hmmph. Starting today, I am cutting out the junk food. Tasty drinks will be knocked back to one a week, probably from River Maiden, since theirs are full of win, and somewhat cheaper. When I buy food, I will keep it to healthy fair like sandwiches and salads.
But, I now have answered the question that has always been in the back of my head. No, “The Metal” does not make me this way. I AM this way. Music like this merely finds a resonance in my soul, and helps provide an outlet. The fury of it all…the double bass, the distorted guitars, the screaming and growling….the pressure in my chest from growling along with it…..it lets me dump the rage that is about to find its way out somewhere far, far worse. I cannot afford to dump this into the people around me. Junk food binges will quite literally be the death of me. It all ends here.
“You cannot kill the metal. The metal will live on!”
Thank you LORD, for giving me music from people like me, and for giving me the gear to enjoy it on.
Thank you.
……..my God…..I am actually smiling as I write this. What a concept.