A short story for my creative writing class. Thoughts, anyone?
Three hundred years. For three hundred years, she had walked this Earth. Watching the humans come and leave. Many of them, she had “helped” leave. But not her own kind. That was before the infighting began. Back when being one of warriors meant you just got into all the fancy galas, as long as you kept a weapon under your suit or dress. As if there was a need then. No one would dare assault the dark ones. Until some of their own found some excuse to declare war.
Whatever the reason, the night was no longer a safe place. Especially in this city, where the mayor was in Galen’s back pocket. That was why the mayor needed to be removed from this position, and this life. So she and Baldur had left the safe house tonight. The mayor was attending a ceremony for the dedication of a new park. This park had state of the art lighting and security systems, it was said; designed to keep down the ever increasing crime after dark. Lights and automated stun weapons an upstanding citizens could activate with their ID cards in a pinch. But the security wouldn’t be worth much. Galen had made sure it was full of holes so his own warriors could continue to carry out operations there.
Specifically, the sensors that triggered the lights, cameras, and stun weapons were infrared. She and Baldur were as cold as the night air, and they would never show up. Neither would Galen’s agents, but they had other solutions to that. So Baldur had gone to the overlook to keep an eye out. She would go in for the kill. She crept quietly through the woods, sword on her back, stake gun at her side. Her long dark hair pulled up in the black cap she wore. Her gun would be too noisy for this, she carried it only just in case. It would do the job if needed. A 10cm silver spike was a dangerous weapon before they it is put in a magnetic gun.
Getting the mayor away from the crowd would not be a problem. They had a prostitute to lure him away. Such fools the humans were. She bared her fangs in a sinister grin. This would be too easy. There he was, the fat moron. Giggling with his “girlfriend”. She waited quietly in the shadows as the two approached. The heat-sensor lights weren’t tripped. They would only trip when the warm-blooded mayor came past. Then it would be too late. It would only take a few seconds. She quietly drew her sword. Fortunately, those didn’t make a metal scraping sound in the real world. One quick lunge would do it, silently. The two passed by her, still laughing. The lights never tripped for them either. Above, the red light stayed lit. The system was still armed. The mayor was no more human than the she and her partner. Galen. Just what sort of monsters had he turned the mayor and the prostitute into? Whatever it was, the mayor was still seen out in daylight. Meaning whatever was done was bad. Very bad. Time to go, she thought. She set her sword down, and lifted her stake gun. The mayor was still too human to see it coming. She fired twice in under a second, punching holes straight through the skulls of both beasts.
Wow – you packed a lot in here. I like the way you introduced certain aspects through inference – you never come out and say exactly what the main character is but instead, you tell us details that set them apart. Also, you never tell us who Galen specifically is, but you tell us what sort of personality he is through phrases like “the mayor was in Galen’s back pocket.”
I also appreciated the details describing the security system and the weapons – they’re details that are often missed by writers but are crucial and you use them well – their descriptions refer to their role as well as aspects of other character’s personalities (Galen’s and the main characters).
I think the thing that needs some work is the prevalence of passive voice. “..the night was no longer a safe place…” “…the mayor was in Galen’s back pocket…” “…She and Baldur were as cold as the night air…” By tweaking the sentences that feature a “was” or a “were,” you can make them more active and have a bigger impact. For example: “As cold as the night air, she and Baldur would never show up on the sensors.” You don’t have to change all the passive sentences – but changing a few to active would give the story a little more flow.
Are you going to continue this? Is it a stand alone piece or part of a larger story? Did you enjoy writing it?
By: Quettandil on May 14, 2010
at 03:27pm
I want to write more of it, but I don’t know when I’ll do it. And I may end up retconning parts to make it more “sci-fi”, since it seems a bit too much “20 minutes into the future” right now, which really wasn’t what I was going for. I was thinking of taking on NaNoWriMo this year using this story, so who knows?
Thanks for the comments.
By: Hurtful Goat on May 14, 2010
at 03:48pm